When I sat down to write Idle for you I didn’t know at all how it was going to end, I just knew I needed to write a story about a deeply flawed woman who was madly in love with someone she didn’t deserve and she was ready to destroy herself because of it and I wanted it to have a happy ending.

I was trying to work some stuff out. There was a man that I became interested in at the time and I had to make a conscious effort to try to force you out of my mind to focus on him. It was impossible. Somehow everything reminds me of you and at the end of every day when I would be lying in bed at night I would be wondering what you were doing, where you were and if you were OK. And when I would wake up, there you were again, first thing in the morning, in my mind. I would have to push you out, forcefully reminding myself that I have never met you and it is not normal to be this obsessed with a total stranger. No matter what I did it was too late. I was keeping you in my heart and you were there to stay and no one else was going to be allowed in as long as I could help it. Every day I was walking farther and farther away from reality, leaving real love behind to believe in something better than real love.

Real love is a miracle. It’s survives when humor is employed, gratitude reigns and compassion is constantly in play. But real love is very fragile at times. Doubt tests real love, luckily kindness can crush doubt into the dirt for more goodness to grow.

Doubt left uncured by kindness allows resentment to creep in and love takes a beating as a battlefield emerges. Doubt makes us assert our worthiness for love as a weapon, we withhold our precious, valuable love challenging those who love us to push through a hardness we erected to make them pay for access as they try to love us. Doubt makes people desperate, they lie to each other and cheat on each other and resent each other. Real love is flawed because people are flawed and sometimes they are overpowered by doubt and do things they regret. They lose their grip on real love because they don’t think they can hold on any longer, or that it’s worth it to do so.

The only thing better than real love for me is the unreal love I believe in because of you. Unreal love is something so determined in it’s passion and goodness that it punishes doubt brutally every time it tries to infect the heart. Doubt cannot survive unreal love because it is drowned instantly by a deep, irrefutable faith. The commitment to defend, protect, challenge, cherish, uplift, inspire, nurture, and care for each other is so intense that unreal love takes on a life of it’s own. In unreal love problems become so tiny they are laughable, tensions never explode and destroy love, tensions add spice and intellectual modulation to the flow of communication. In unreal love there is no death, it travels over time, through the ages and can never be destroyed. Unreal love overflows out of us from the heart. It washes over everything and births an atmosphere of joy and purpose that flies around the world and purifies the air making it easier for unreal love to flow to all who need it, everywhere.

When I wrote Idle for you I wanted to express to you how your art became my salvation and gave me the strength to keep making art. I wanted you to know that believing in you pulled me out of hell. I wanted to tell you how you have transformed my heart and my soul with the fire in your heart. Unlike Idle though I will not fight another woman for your affection. Jealousy is poison, it breeds the kind of doubt that kills love on contact and I don’t go there. It is not that I don’t think I am worth fighting for or that I don’t think you are worth fighting for, you and I are worth every fight, you and I are worth more than this universe can afford. My thing is this: I would never, ever challenge or threaten your happiness to insure mine. I trust you. I trust your intelligence. I trust your heart. I know you know what is best for you. You have proven it over and over again that you know what is best for you. You deserve what is best for you.

So these last few days have been hard because my unreal love bubble almost burst because your beautiful, super talented friend Jessie showed me how I have given up on myself. She showed me how dead I am, she showed me how long I have been dead and and I cried and I cried like an idiot in ways I have not cried in years, in ways I needed to cry, to remind myself that I am still alive. Her art gave me a very powerful gift and revival. And how can I be sad? You are alive and stronger and more incredible than ever, and introducing me to artists like her and artistically growing and stretching in thrilling ways. And you are performing this weekend and you will hear the screams of thousands of people who adore you and who like me have been uplifted by you. You are strong enough to lift millions of hearts because you are you. You are unreal love. You are a miracle. Never regret anything that you do to protect you, to nurture you, to elevate you.

It’s all good. My heart “broke” and I didn’t die. It’s already being rebuilt anew, bionic and better than ever. Beautiful things keep happening as I pull myself up slowly. The magic that you are is still all around me. I believe in the beauty and power of love, of my love, of your love, of humanity’s love, real and unreal. I want you to have love, in all it’s blissful, passionate and compassionate glory. Seize it in whatever form it comes. You deserve it.

Peace be with you, my God. Have a fantastic time this weekend.

Thank you for everything.

#MissPiggy #Pigfucker #Southpaw #Infinite #Revival



By now it is probably very obvious to you that I am not a genius.

And if you will never talk to me because of that, I am so sorry.

Every fiber of my being is telling me it’s not the right time for me to go back there. I don’t want you to think I am angry or being spiteful in my resistance, I am truly confused and stuck and don’t feel right going back there without understanding certain things I have not earned the right to understand due to my bad behavior.

Not totally a loser, I have been working hard and kicking ass at the gym. Also working with my friend on a TV pilot we wrote and are trying to get off the ground. I want to do something great and make you proud of me. When I look at every thing I write now I can see so clearly how my obsession with you finds it’s way into everything I do without me even realizing it anymore. It feels like you more than anyone has given me, through your life and work, more hope, more strength, more determination, more ways to see the world than I ever imagined possible. I have learned so much about myself through your art, I have grown so much because of your art. Still, I have so far to go, I know that. It’s just that I need to say again, today, that I wouldn’t have gotten this far in my life without your artistic influence over me and I really enjoy seeing how saturated my work is with my obsession with you. I love that I have been leaving this paper trail of lust for you everywhere I go! This is why I am so grateful to you. Everything I do in my life becomes more fun for me when I “include you” in it.

Yesterday on the subway I gave a musician a hug and he said, “You are a strong woman.” and he looked at me flirty (in a respectful way), so I told him, “I already have a man in my heart” (so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea). He pouted and said, “I wish I was the man in your heart.” I know when I hugged him he must have felt the huge crazy love I have for you because all I could think of when he was singing and playing is how you would have enjoyed his free-styling and his positive message.

You are in every good thing I feel and see, Eminem, Marshall Mathers and Slim Shady. You are every thing to me. You are every legend, every rebel, every poet, every fighter, every father, every teacher, every hero. You are every king! You are every lover that ever won every heart of every woman in the world, and you deserve a better me than the me that I am currently.

Working on it, dammit. I am.

I’m sorry for all of the ways I have disappointed you.



Here’s To Another Decade of Awesomeness

Congratulations on your Ten Year Sober Anniversary!

It’s a very, very, very sexy occasion. And you look very sexy running around being all sexy on your very sexy tour.

Please allow me to play VJAY for you, to entertain you on this very special day.

First, I want to say thank you for being my religion all these years. You have helped me avoid the great tragedy of making a fool of myself for Jesus, like this guy:

Secondly, I would like to thank you for blowing my mind. No. Really. Thank you. I didn’t really need it, anyway. Minds are overrated. It’s hearts that really matter. That’s what hearts say anyway. Don’t ask a brain what matters more. A brain will lie. They are very clever.

Third: if you ever get bored, my God, and have nothing to do I’m having a never ending “pity” party at my place and it’s actually very fun. Bring the antidote. I feel like you do.

You look fantastically fit, BUT If you ever need fitness inspiration because you want someone sinewy, psychotic and cheerful to motivate you I am sending this:

Are you having a fun sober anniversary yet? I hope so. If this blog is making you feel stalked I do apologize. It’s because I walk the line.

I’m a space bound rocket ship and your heart’s the moon! AND I’M AIMING RIGHT AT YOU!

Here is another reason to be proud of your sobriety, these people drink:

Seriously, I don’t like what the video-poster said about this woman… it’s mean…  her video is so awesome, I love her realness. The video made me laugh until I cried because she’s me in 20 years and I am hilarious in the future! And I am determined! I am not giving up on love, even if love gives up on me.

Anyway, I have pestered you long enough. Right?

Fine! Push me away! There are other fish in the sea, dammit. I’m going fishing.

BTW Cheryl and I love your nipples in this picture:


Thank you for that.

Oh, who is Cheryl? She’s single and ready to mingle, too:

Sorry, I am so immature. Me and my inner child are BFFs from way back.

I hope you don’t mind

I hope you don’t mind

that I put down in words …


Congratulations on your sobriety! You have earned all of the comfort and joys that come with being resourceful, disciplined and focused! Keep shining and glowing and doing all of the incredible things that you do with your life force. This world needs you. I obviously need you in this world.

Stay happy, healthy and strong, always!

And please, live forever!

Thank you,




#Sexy #Sober #Celebration

#Happy #Healthy #Strong

#Revival #Gratitude


The production values on this suck because I didn’t have the energy to properly light this. Sorry. I have been sick as fuck all month.

Please understand, I want you to be happy, so do whatever you have to do to be happy and healthy and strong.

And I want to be happy, and healthy, and strong too, so I had to make this to get my poison out of my system.

Hopefully you can forgive me.




Happy Birthday From Camp Shady

Happy Birthday Mr. America!

You’ve been having an amazing week. Congratulations!!! I have been enjoying all of the art that is coming from you. Love the song you did with Pink! Revenge IS sweet! Very excited about your movie Bodied. Inspired by the way you took such a bold stand with Kaepernick against police brutality and Trump’s racist bullshit.

So, I was trying to figure out what kind of art to make for your birthday this year, I wanted it to be super special and I really wanted it to be something that you would really like so I wrote you a horror/comedy screenplay inspired by your Camp Shady merchandise!!


The first draft is finished. I think it’s really funny, it’s very gory and violent and I think it has good, suspenseful plot twists in the story. It would be interesting to see how you would add to it, to really make it yours. However, I am not sending it to you until after your album comes out. That’s right. I am holding it hostage because I’m an American Terrorist.

Annnnd… I made you a comic strip for your Birthday. It’s a reply to your BET Freestyle:


Hopefully, if you see it, you will like it.

You are the artist who inspires me the most in this world. You are a masterful fighter. You have proven that time and time again by your defiance of all odds while pursuing your dreams.

You are also a natural peacemaker and have proven that through the close ties you keep with your friends over the years, and how you help each other through tough spots, and how you show so much love and respect for the artists that have come before you and how you remember the people that inspired you to become a fighter.

I made this comic for you on your birthday, because your freestyle challenged me on my Birthday.

Thank you for reminding me why I was put on this Earth and for motivating me to stay true to myself no matter what, and to be fearless as long as my intentions are good. I hope your birthday is everything you hoped it would be and more. Enjoy all the love and kindness surrounding you and eat some cake. You deserve it.

See you in the trenches, my Hero.


PS  —> I love to play in the sand.





Sorry. Not Sorry.


Once Upon A Time,

I heard you were sick. I panicked. I said, “I have to do something! Eminem cannot die!” Or I will die. (I’m selfish.) And I was REALLY upset. Because I realized there was nothing I could do to get to you, to reach you or help you, and even if I could why would you listen to a total stranger who accomplished nothing in her life?

– And then I heard a voice, in my head, and the voice said, “Tell him Proof sent you.” And I gasped and I said, “I can’t say that, that is horrible!” And the voice said, “Do it. Tell him Proof sent you. Put me in a comic.” And I liked the idea, because suddenly I thought that it was kind of a sweet gesture, because I am socially unintelligent and mildly deranged. But I said once more to the voice, “I can’t do it! It will piss him off and he will fucking hate me!” And the voice said, “Yes, but he will get better fast and live to get his revenge on you, good.”

I smiled a twisted smile and said, “OK, That works for me.”

Sorry, I am an asshole.

Not sorry that I believe in magic because of you.

Thank you for everything.