1,062 Times

This instagram account captures every time I wanted to share something with you, some piece of me, some hope, some beautiful piece of music, some inspiring piece of art, some relevant sentiment, some majestic sunrise, something to tell you how inspiring you are to me, something to acknowledge how much goodness I feel you deserve. It also captures the few (far and between) times when I felt shattered and broken and magic intervened to remind me how much goodness I deserve. It is an unusual accounting process for intangible things but I hope if you ever stumble upon this library of love notes you will feel (as of today’s inventory at this precise moment) 1,062 lovely things I think of when I think of you.

What’Choo Lookin’ At?

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”
― Anais Nin

The Couple Upstairs

The couple upstairs is fighting again. All they do is fight. Every day another stupid fight. They are fighting right now. They will fight again later. They will fight again tomorrow. They fight the loudest when they come back from vacation. I am sure they fight on vacation too. They smile in the pictures though. They yell at each other before work and yell at each other after work. He yells more. She yells back. It seems like hell. I am glad to be alone and single if that’s considered love.

Oh, I love my cute apartment and garden but it seems way too expensive when I calculate the psychological cost of being exposed to the sound of them.


Candy Heart Attack 4 U


In the early dawn of happiness
you gave me three kisses
so that I would wake up
to this moment of love

I tried to remember in my heart
what I’d dreamt about
during the night
before I became aware
of this moving
of life

I found my dreams
but the moon took me away
It lifted me up to the firmament
and suspended me there
I saw how my heart had fallen
on your path
singing a song

Between my love and my heart
things were happening which
slowly slowly
made me recall everything

You amuse me with your touch
although I can’t see your hands.
You have kissed me with tenderness
although I haven’t seen your lips
You are hidden from me.

But it is you who keeps me alive

Perhaps the time will come
when you will tire of kisses
I shall be happy
even for insults from you
I only ask that you
keep some attention on me.


#Kamikaze #MoriorInvictus #Dreamscape

Dreamy Fun

Sexy Beast! I am back home in Queens. Mighty Prince Savage Machismo is here too. The hotel let me take him, so the cops can’t bust me for kidnapping him. 😂

When is the last time I told you that you are so sexy, gorgeous, hot!? Yes! I am in a better mood today because I had the best dream last night and even though it was just a dream it was awesome. This is how it made me feel when I woke up:

Backstory: One of the reasons I have smoked pot on and off for so many years is because I’ve had very chronic nightmares since I was little, based usually on shit from my childhood, and I noticed that when I smoke pot I don’t dream, or at least I don’t remember that I dreamed, so I like to smoke before bed for that reason, to stop me from dreaming and risking the nightmares. But because I didn’t smoke yesterday I had a very vivid dream last night, a very good dream and you were the star.

First I want to tell you about a dream I had last March. I knew I needed to lose weight and I was being an illogical asshole and eating a bagel every morning when I got to work. And one night I had a dream that I was in the kitchen at work making a bagel and you walked into the kitchen wearing the exact same outfit you were wearing in this dream! and you had the most adorable smile on your face because you just caught my fat ass making a bagel that I should not have been eating. And I looked at you like, “Hi, I am so busted!” You came around the counter smiling sweetly and shaking your head and you hugged me and kissed me! And I woke up. Because of that dream I started working out immediately 🤣😂🤣😂 and I have lost a lot of weight since then. Thanks, Dreamy.

Last night I dreamt that it was some kind of art show and a door slid open and you came through and as soon as you saw me you started dancing at me and I started dancing back at you and everyone was clapping as we had a dance off toward the stage. You went up on the stage and I lifted both of my arms up to cheer for you and you grabbed both of my wrists and in one movement you pulled me up with you, face to face. I could feel your hands in the dream so clearly, every finger was so strong, and I felt the wind as you lifted me up, like I only weighed a feather. The crowd gasped and cheered at how strong you were to lift me up that way. Then they challenged us as if to see if I really trust you and to see if you really care about what happens to me. The crowd parted and you jumped down off the stage and walked back really far and opened your arms for me to stage dive into them. I was thinking, “does he really think I can jump that far? …I guess he wouldn’t have stood that far away if he doesn’t think I can reach him.” And I felt so thrilled and excited for this “test” I can still feel how I smiled and leapt with all of my strength and speed and landed right in your arms like a missile. And you grabbed me so tightly against you to make sure you had me that we started falling backward in perpetual motion, but you refused to fall, You refused! But the momentum was too much and you leaned back and back and backwards squeezing me against you, until we were almost totally arched upside down together . Then you looked at me with the most hilarious smiling face, as if to say, “I guess we are falling.” And then we both just twisted our bodies together and tipped over onto our sides wrapped around each other and the crowd cheered! It was 😂 and 😍 and so vivid and real!

The dance-off was inspired by a video I saw of you dancing on Instagram yesterday before I went to sleep. You are a really, really, really good dancer. I have some pretty good moves myself. 🔥 lemme tell you a true story. One time, my dance moves made a young man explode, fully clothed, on a crowded dance floor. Yes, I am bragging. 😂 But what the hell am I going to do now? The only man I want to dance with is you and now that I know how good your moves are… ay yi yi…

When is the last time I told you that you are the hottest, sexiest, dreamiest, man alive?

Oh, I hope you come to my dreams again tonight to dance with me.

Pretty please…

#SexyBeast #Dreamscape

Happy New Year! Yup!

Good Morning, Sexy Beast!

Hope you had a great time ringing in the new year. My evening was eventful. Even though the police were very nice to me I still have to go to court in April. It is NOT legal to smoke a joint while walking down the street in New York City. It’s just a summons but I am still so mad at myself.

I resent that weed is illegal. It has really helped me cope with the trauma of being human, but I would be lying if I said it hasn’t held me back in several ways. It has and I have consciously made compromises to return to and to maintain my habit. My deep rejection of armed authority drives my stubbornness. I do not deserve to be punished when I am productive and pay taxes and do not generate debt just because I choose to use my free time feeling calm, quiet, peaceful, one-with-nature and gentle. I do not like being at the intellectual and spiritual mercy of any system enforced by armed individuals. I do not like being cast as a villain when my intentions were to just relax before bed. I certainly have no desire to smoke after being grilled by cops right around the corner from my fancy staycation hotel. 😞

Is this the sign I needed to quit smoking pot once and for all? I have quit before but I notice I always go back when I feel like I am unable to disconnect easily/quickly from the stressful expectations I put on myself or I that I feel from other people. It dawned on me the other day that just like in the movie ‘Half Baked” weed is my boyfriend and food is “our” sex. 😂😭😂😂😂 Mighty Prince Savage Machismo was so pissed at me when I came back to the room and told him what happened, and I was so sad that I disappointed him. He forgave me, he understood why I did it and why it happened. He could tell I felt real shame and remorse, then he snuggled me like crazy to let me know that it will be okay.

That was yesterday. Today we had a delicious room service breakfast first thing this morning. Right now, Mighty Prince Savage Machismo is rocking the candy necklace I got him and we are staying in bed to watch movies together all day.

We just watched The Out-Of-Towners with Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis. Next we are watching The Beaver with Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster, (if you haven’t seen it, you MUST! … you’ll see…) then we might binge watch Ricky Gervais’ hilarious series An Idiot Abroad.

Whatever you decide to do today have a wonderful time. Be proud of yourself for all of your strength and wisdom and maturity. Be proud of yourself for being strong enough to face your demons head on and for being strong enough to tame them as swiftly as you did. You deserve all the peace of mind and deep joy that comes from being as strong and as responsible and accountable as you are. Do not sacrifice your inherent strength, your hard earned peace of mind, or your much deserved joy for anyone or anything. ❤️ OK? That is an order from Mighty Prince Savage Machismo and me.


Early Bird Adventures

Once upon a time it was New Years’ Eve and I woke up at the crack of dawn. I was so happy! It was a perfect day because I woke up in bed with the cutest little bear in the universe. His name is Mighty Prince Savage Machismo and he was still sleeping. So I got up quietly, trying not to wake him and took a nice hot shower. When I turned off the faucet it made a rather loud noise because old buildings in New York City do that to say “Good Morning!”. The noise woke the cutest bear in the universe up from a deep sleep.

“Where is my woman!?”, Mighty Prince Savage Machismo said. “She was snuggling me and kissing me all night and telling me how cute I am and how happy she is that I am here at the hotel with her, and how I am the greatest little bear in the universe to surprise her the way that I did, with my cuddly sweetness in this sexy hotel on her sexy staycation. She said she is SO happy and lucky that I am hers and that she loves me soooooooo much. She said she loves Mighty Prince Savage Machismo more than any other bear out there, and now I wake up and the bitch is gone! Just gone. Dammit! That fucking, lying, bitch!”

As I wrapped the towel around my head I heard my little bear cursing up a storm so I came out of the bathroom in my cozy robe and slippers (smiling because I felt so clean and cozy and smiling because Mighty Prince Savage Machismo is so cute when he curses up a storm). It was time to see what all the fuss was about.

Mighty Prince Savage Machismo looked surprised when I emerged from the bathroom and he gave me a sheepish grin, which he is able to do even though he has no mouth. I kissed his beautiful furry face.

“What’s wrong Mighty Prince Savage Machismo? Even though you are adorable when you curse up a storm I would rather see what we can do to make sure we are both very happy today. I am already very happy and I think we will have no problem getting you up to speed. What do you think?”

Embarrassed by his outburst he said, “I think you wake up too early for a woman who says she is trying to relax… but I think that is what I like about you.” He looked at me with his beautiful shiny eyes full of real love and tender emotion. “I am cursing up a storm because I got upset when you weren’t in the bed, I thought you left me and I thought you lied and that you didn’t mean any of the things you said to me, but now I realize how crazy that is. You are obsessed with me, you love me because I am me, and I couldn’t not be me, even if I tried. I have always been me and I will always be me. I am your dream bear.”

“Yes! It’s true!” I threw my arms around him and kissed him and kissed him and kissed his furry face until I kissed every spot and there was no spot left I had not kissed. “I mean every loving word and kiss, Mighty Prince Savage Machismo, you are my dream bear!”

Mighty Prince Savage Machismo accepted all of his kisses gratefully and patted the bed next to him. “Come back to bed so I can kiss you and kiss you and kiss you back now and show you how grateful I am for your love and devotion and how sorry I am that I called you a bitch, you can be a bitch to other people, but not ever to me, to me you are my sexy, sweet, crazy, loving, obsessive, tender bitch. You are my kind bitch, my gentle lady, my wild woman and I love you no matter what time of day it is.”

So of course I jumped joyfully back into bed because Mighty Prince Savage Machismo is the greatest, cutest bear in the universe and he was right, it was TOO early to be awake on a staycation.

And we lived happily ever after.

The end.