An Offer You Can’t Abuse

Good Evening Mr. Controversy,

I had to go to Brooklyn today. Yes. I left the house. Now, I am back in my womb.

The internet is telling me some people are giving you a hard time about pyrotechnics. I hope it’s not getting you down. If it is getting you down I can do a dance for you, a ridiculous dance, the dance to end all dances, I can do a dance so outrageous in it’s ridiculousness that all of your troubles would instantly vanish because my ridiculous moves would work like a magic eraser and wipe away all of your misery with every single shimmy I shake, but I will NOT stop there, I will keep dancing until you start laughing, first with your eyes and then with your belly and then your mouth until you also have to jump up and dance! Let’s make a deal. This is what I can do for you if you’re interested. I can do this RIGHT NOW. Free of charge. Or 50% off if you prefer to throw away your hard earned tears, that’s right. This dance cannot be bought with money. It can only be bought with your tears or the threat of your tears or the memory of your tears, but as advertised above I am totally willing to give you the misery erasing ridiculous dance FREE OF CHARGE (use code #usosexymarshall at checkout), Yes. That’s right! Any time you want, just for YOU, I will give YOU a personalized misery erasing ridiculous dance for the price of NO TEARS! That’s right, you don’t even have to be miserable or sad to benefit from this special unlimited time offer! One size fits you, no matter how small or big you get even if you throw out this coupon in a fit of exhaustion from being too happy all the time. This offer can be combined with other ridiculous offers from me. And if you act now I will throw in the ridiculous song of songs for an additional 99% off AND I’ll throw in a ridiculous rebate for the other 1%! That means you get an unlimited lifetime supply of misery erasing ridiculous dances PLUS ridiculous songs of songs for the amazing, stupendous, remarkable, fantastic, delightful, sublime, supernatural, attractive, alluring, sensuous, seductive price of nothing!

That is my solemn pledge. Ridiculous and real.

Bang, bang.

xo,

y

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