Idle

When I sat down to write Idle for you I didn’t know at all how it was going to end, I just knew I needed to write a story about a deeply flawed woman who was madly in love with someone she didn’t deserve and she was ready to destroy herself because of it and I wanted it to have a happy ending.

I was trying to work some stuff out. There was a man that I became interested in at the time and I had to make a conscious effort to try to force you out of my mind to focus on him. It was impossible. Somehow everything reminds me of you and at the end of every day when I would be lying in bed at night I would be wondering what you were doing, where you were and if you were OK. And when I would wake up, there you were again, first thing in the morning, in my mind. I would have to push you out, forcefully reminding myself that I have never met you and it is not normal to be this obsessed with a total stranger. No matter what I did it was too late. I was keeping you in my heart and you were there to stay and no one else was going to be allowed in as long as I could help it. Every day I was walking farther and farther away from reality, leaving real love behind to believe in something better than real love.

Real love is a miracle. It’s survives when humor is employed, gratitude reigns and compassion is constantly in play. But real love is very fragile at times. Doubt tests real love, luckily kindness can crush doubt into the dirt for more goodness to grow.

Doubt left uncured by kindness allows resentment to creep in and love takes a beating as a battlefield emerges. Doubt makes us assert our worthiness for love as a weapon, we withhold our precious, valuable love challenging those who love us to push through a hardness we erected to make them pay for access as they try to love us. Doubt makes people desperate, they lie to each other and cheat on each other and resent each other. Real love is flawed because people are flawed and sometimes they are overpowered by doubt and do things they regret. They lose their grip on real love because they don’t think they can hold on any longer, or that it’s worth it to do so.

The only thing better than real love for me is the unreal love I believe in because of you. Unreal love is something so determined in it’s passion and goodness that it punishes doubt brutally every time it tries to infect the heart. Doubt cannot survive unreal love because it is drowned instantly by a deep, irrefutable faith. The commitment to defend, protect, challenge, cherish, uplift, inspire, nurture, and care for each other is so intense that unreal love takes on a life of it’s own. In unreal love problems become so tiny they are laughable, tensions never explode and destroy love, tensions add spice and intellectual modulation to the flow of communication. In unreal love there is no death, it travels over time, through the ages and can never be destroyed. Unreal love overflows out of us from the heart. It washes over everything and births an atmosphere of joy and purpose that flies around the world and purifies the air making it easier for unreal love to flow to all who need it, everywhere.

When I wrote Idle for you I wanted to express to you how your art became my salvation and gave me the strength to keep making art. I wanted you to know that believing in you pulled me out of hell. I wanted to tell you how you have transformed my heart and my soul with the fire in your heart. Unlike Idle though I will not fight another woman for your affection. Jealousy is poison, it breeds the kind of doubt that kills love on contact and I don’t go there. It is not that I don’t think I am worth fighting for or that I don’t think you are worth fighting for, you and I are worth every fight, you and I are worth more than this universe can afford. My thing is this: I would never, ever challenge or threaten your happiness to insure mine. I trust you. I trust your intelligence. I trust your heart. I know you know what is best for you. You have proven it over and over again that you know what is best for you. You deserve what is best for you.

So these last few days have been hard because my unreal love bubble almost burst because your beautiful, super talented friend Jessie showed me how I have given up on myself. She showed me how dead I am, she showed me how long I have been dead and and I cried and I cried like an idiot in ways I have not cried in years, in ways I needed to cry, to remind myself that I am still alive. Her art gave me a very powerful gift and revival. And how can I be sad? You are alive and stronger and more incredible than ever, and introducing me to artists like her and artistically growing and stretching in thrilling ways. And you are performing this weekend and you will hear the screams of thousands of people who adore you and who like me have been uplifted by you. You are strong enough to lift millions of hearts because you are you. You are unreal love. You are a miracle. Never regret anything that you do to protect you, to nurture you, to elevate you.

It’s all good. My heart “broke” and I didn’t die. It’s already being rebuilt anew, bionic and better than ever. Beautiful things keep happening as I pull myself up slowly. The magic that you are is still all around me. I believe in the beauty and power of love, of my love, of your love, of humanity’s love, real and unreal. I want you to have love, in all it’s blissful, passionate and compassionate glory. Seize it in whatever form it comes. You deserve it.

Peace be with you, my God. Have a fantastic time this weekend.

Thank you for everything.

#MissPiggy #Pigfucker #Southpaw #Infinite #Revival

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