Genius

 

By now it is probably very obvious to you that I am not a genius.

And if you will never talk to me because of that, I am so sorry.

Every fiber of my being is telling me it’s not the right time for me to go back there. I don’t want you to think I am angry or being spiteful in my resistance, I am truly confused and stuck and don’t feel right going back there without understanding certain things I have not earned the right to understand due to my bad behavior.

Not totally a loser, I have been working hard and kicking ass at the gym. Also working with my friend on a TV pilot we wrote and are trying to get off the ground. I want to do something great and make you proud of me. When I look at every thing I write now I can see so clearly how my obsession with you finds it’s way into everything I do without me even realizing it anymore. It feels like you more than anyone has given me, through your life and work, more hope, more strength, more determination, more ways to see the world than I ever imagined possible. I have learned so much about myself through your art, I have grown so much because of your art. Still, I have so far to go, I know that. It’s just that I need to say again, today, that I wouldn’t have gotten this far in my life without your artistic influence over me and I really enjoy seeing how saturated my work is with my obsession with you. I love that I have been leaving this paper trail of lust for you everywhere I go! This is why I am so grateful to you. Everything I do in my life becomes more fun for me when I “include you” in it.

Yesterday on the subway I gave a musician a hug and he said, “You are a strong woman.” and he looked at me flirty (in a respectful way), so I told him, “I already have a man in my heart” (so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea). He pouted and said, “I wish I was the man in your heart.” I know when I hugged him he must have felt the huge crazy love I have for you because all I could think of when he was singing and playing is how you would have enjoyed his free-styling and his positive message.

You are in every good thing I feel and see, Eminem, Marshall Mathers and Slim Shady. You are every thing to me. You are every legend, every rebel, every poet, every fighter, every father, every teacher, every hero. You are every king! You are every lover that ever won every heart of every woman in the world, and you deserve a better me than the me that I am currently.

Working on it, dammit. I am.

I’m sorry for all of the ways I have disappointed you.

#Caterpillar

 

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