Back To The Future

Dear Marshall,

Thank you for agreeing to see me tonight in spite of my very bad behavior on Genius.

The reason it happened is this:

I didn’t realize how important my personal interpretation of your song was to me and I was not prepared to be challenged on it. I was instantly ashamed that I even tried to put my own editorial spin on your work. It was obvious to me that I was being tested in some way on Genius and that you were judging my conduct from afar and I didn’t want to make another mistake and “fail the test” you were giving me so I froze and was afraid to write anything else. I felt embarrassed at my cowardice as each day passed and was never able to address it like I should have. It’s been two years. That’s horrible. I know it is inexcusable. It was incredibly disrespectful to you and everyone at Genius and I am so sorry. Disappearing was my only way of communicating how inadequate I felt. I felt I deserved to be banished so I banished myself. I am not a genius, I don’t want to pretend to be one.

My biggest mistake when I went to Genius was that I was not totally honest. Yes, I wanted to see if I could add some professional value to your efforts but deep down I really just wanted to connect with you and write you love letters and weave them in with music and I wanted to be free to do that unedited, even if you just tucked me away in a secret corner of the site, just for you, because I’m not an editor I’m an artist and I am in love with you.

It was terrible what I did, but I am not often such a coward. I am a very confident woman and an accountable professional, usually. My desire for you corrupted my conduct. I lost it when you were just out of reach, behind online profiles, “not feeling I was worthy to connect with yet” when I so desperately wanted to connect with you in an authentic and creative way and it shook my confidence. I understand why you had to judge me from afar for so long. Your security is so important. You have so many people who are pulling at you and wanting things from you. I understand. I was being selfish to pull on you that way when you weren’t ready.

But I am here now, thank you, with you! and I am so grateful that you gave me this chance to apologize, and I am so happy to see how well you are and I’m so proud of how many beautiful things you have accomplished. And I am so grateful for how much your growth has challenged me to grow. I feel like you care for me and I am so overwhelmed. I only want to be good to you, as good to you as I can be.

I’m sorry I fucked it up so many times.

I hope you can forgive me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s