Rainy Days

Hey Sexy Beast,

I am sorry I keep writing to you. Trying to figure out life. Right now I am in Puerto Rico. This is where my family is from. Missing my grandparents very much.

Have been writing, thinking, evaluating everything about my life. Having intense dreams about you since I have been here.

My first night here, in the dream you were showing me a book where you kept a record of all the times you thought of me and I was just crying and crying and you were so sweetly turning the pages and comforting me with your arm around me as we turned the pages together. On the last page of the book you showed me a picture of my art and you said you wanted to make art with me and I cried and told you that I didn’t want to create anything without you. You held me and I said that I wanted you to be the father of my work because you are the only man I trust. I woke up and the bed, the pillow, my nightgown, everything, all the layers of bedding were soaking wet.

The next night I dreamt that we told each other that we loved each other. Then we went out on the town, all over the place smiling and laughing and everyone was happy to see us together. At one point I thought we got separated in a crowd but when I turned around to find you, you were right behind me, on my right side. I looked and you were picking your nose! You were not looking at me and you were hoping no one saw you as you pulled the most disgusting booger out of your nose and I smiled and all I could feel for you was tremendous love and relief for you that you got that giant, gross thing out of your nose so you could breathe properly. All I wanted to do was kiss you and make love to you. But I turned away instead and pretended that I didn’t see you picking your nose so you wouldn’t be embarrassed. Then I woke up.

My third night here, last night, I dreamt that I was here, alone in Puerto Rico surrounded by strangers and it started raining. I was surprised because (in real life) the weather predicted perfect skies this week. Then I woke up and realized it was just a dream. It was so sunny this morning as predicted. Went to a museum but I wasn’t feeling well so I came back to my room to have lunch on my balcony and it just started raining for real! It was just a brief rain and it has already passed And everything smells like sweet fresh rain.

Writing to you to tell you I am thinking of you and to tell you how much gratitude I have for you being on Earth and to tell you how special you are. You are the King of my Dreams. This is not a plea for you to work with me or to be with me or anything like that. All I want for you is for you (and me) is to be happy and healthy and strong. This is just another admission about how much your life influences me and means to me and how much I admire you and how small I feel in comparison to you sometimes and how significant you are to me as a symbol of perfect and pure masculine love.

I hope you are well and that I will one day have the strength to stop stalking you here. Stop showing up in my dreams, that will make it a lot easier.

Photo taken in San Juan, Puerto Rico


In Truth & Love

Hi Sexy Beast, 
Today I am so happy for you because I know you are happy, healthy and strong. You are surrounded by powerful and magnificent love, real infinite love that you have earned through fatherhood, brotherhood, hard work, creativity, sacrifice, tenacity, wisdom and commitment. You are forever surrounded by this love and you have earned it. It is bigger than life itself. This love that I know exists for you showed me how beautiful and good you are (and it showed me how beautiful and good I am.) This love that I know exists for you inspired me to write to you all these years. Your lifeforce is so good and powerful, YOU and this love taught me how to trust the beautiful, powerful goodness in men again. 
You have been my hero. You have been my teacher. You saved me. You have taught me to look closer at myself. You have taught me the meaning of sacrifice. You have shown me why I could not and should not have children. You have shown me why I have been alone for so long. Your art kept me company all these years and filled my world with all the sounds and colors I needed to hear, see and feel whenever I was dying inside. Your example has taught me patience with myself and with others. You have taught me what parts of myself to keep and what parts to shed. You taught me to seek and cherish the quiet, innocent moments in life. You have taught me the glory of virtue, you taught me how to shed my ego and feed my soul. You have taught me how to smile when I have nothing left to give. You have taught me how to grow for love. You have taught me how to have faith. You have taught me how beautiful and important the truth is. You taught me that the truth is worth fighting for.
This little chapel was next door to my hotel in Hawaii, tucked away, almost invisible in a dark corner of the marina. I almost didn’t see it and then I did. I am posting this picture here because it symbolizes the things I want to rescue from a dark, buried part of myself. It symbolizes the things I want to learn now. The things I want to learn now will require me to stop writing here.
I know how to give love but I want to learn how to receive love. I want to learn how to let someone love me. I want to learn how to really communicate lovingly with a man who really wants to communicate with me lovingly. I want to really connect intimately with the man I love, and care for him and inspire him to care about me and my spirit and to care about my safety, to care about how I get home at night. I want to write letters to a man who prays for me the way I pray for him. I want to write letters to a man who desires me the way I desire him. I want to write letters to a man who makes me feel like I am enough and makes me feel that I truly make him happy. I want to learn how to believe a man really loves me and cares for me. I want to learn how to really listen to a man when he speaks to me and to believe a man really wants to listen to me. I want to learn how to believe that a man will never be cruel to me and only wants to be good to me and to be gentle with me and to still be honest with me even if what he has to tell me will hurt me. I want to learn how to believe I am loved and that I am not a burden. I want these things not because I don’t want to be alone. I love to be alone, but maybe I love it too much and maybe I will also love not being alone. I have been alone since I started writing to you because that is what I wanted. I wanted to focus all of my love and prayers on you for reasons that were and are and always will be sacred to me. Now I want to open my heart to the possibility of real, true love. If I keep writing here I will keep loving you and only you and no one will be able to reach me to bring me back to reality, and reality is the only place where true love exists.
I want to thank you for giving me the strength to go to Hawaii. I finally saw the truth in Hawaii. I saw the truth with my own eyes and my own heart and the truth is the most beautiful thing in the universe.
The truth shall set us free!
Let love rule!
Mahalo forever. 

The Barber Shop

Hi Sexy Beast 👋🏼

How is life on the road? I heard through the IG grapevine that you don’t want to kill me. That’s nice. 😌

These photos are from the Barber Shop set on the episode of Bull that aired last night. The graphics I made for this episode were inspired by this video that Kuniva posted on his IG. I loved the video because the music and lyrics were so good and it captured the joyful, determined beauty of the Detroit brotherhood that you and your friends represent to me.

… and this is just a picture of me taking a picture of the barber shop mirrors on set 🙃

Thank you again for inspiring me to go to Hawaii. I needed you to be there to remind me how much I wanted to go.

Travel safe and enjoy the final stretch of the tour. Tell Mr. Porter I said ‘hi” 🤣😂🙏🏼 Hoping all of your adventures are rewarding and fulfilling and that you always know and feel how truly loved you are.

#Aloha #Mahalo

Serendipity Party

For the last two days I have been helping my friend with some graphics for her new film. When I get home from work I work on stuff for her. I am so honored that this woman has shared her incredible visions with me. I am so grateful that she has allowed me to collaborate with her. I am so lucky that she is letting me play with her art. I am so lucky that I met her last week in Hawaii.

So when I planned my trip to Hawaii to see your show my goal for the day after your concert was to go to the Honolulu Museum of Art…

…but when I woke up that day something told me not to go to the museum but to take pictures of flowers instead. I’d seen a sign for a garden nearby the day before and I decided to check it out. I got dressed in my sunniest outfit, put on a smile and headed out the door.

And as I walked down the street looking for the garden to take photographs I started thinking that I wanted to see some more live music that night, somewhere in Honolulu.

Suddenly I see a beautiful woman photographing flowers.

I said to the beautiful woman, “I was going to do that today. I found a garden nearby that looks interesting.” She said, “I’ll come with you.”

As we walked and talked she took some pictures of me and I took pictures of her and she told me about her man and her baby and her art. We realized we had so much in common philosophically, politically and professionally and we both live in NYC and we were both flying home on the same day, on the same flight!

The conversation was flowing and she said, “You should come with me to The Honolulu Museum of Art tonight, I have a film in the Honolulu African American Film Festival.” I was like, “Wow! I was going to go there today and then I decided to take pictures of flowers instead. I would love to go to the museum to the Festival to support you.” So we made plans to meet at her hotel later to head over to the festival together. While we waited for her car to come she took this picture of us:

When we got to the museum that night for the festival opening event there was an amazing Jazz band playing LIVE MUSIC to celebrate the opening film, ‘Miles Davis, The Birth of Cool.”

The festival crowd was filled with beautiful brilliant artists and intellectuals, musicians, filmmakers, actors, painters, activists, so many gorgeous, glorious, incredible, inspiring people. They were so kind to me, so welcoming, so inviting, so generous with loving energy and words. One amazing woman even gave me a bracelet right off her wrist that says “You are enough.”

I spent the rest of my vacation hanging out with my new friend Kiara and other beautiful people I met there that night. Her good friend Stephen introduced us to more beautiful people at a glamorous BBQ on top of a fancy building with a giant infinity pool. We talked about comics and you. 😂🤣 Afterwards we watched Mission Impossible in a big sexy private theater and ate popcorn. It was so fun!

Later when I was telling Kiara how lucky I felt to meet her and spend time with her she said, “Do you know why I decided to walk with you the day we met? Because I saw you, this beautiful woman, all alone on vacation and I said, there is no one to see this woman here, except for me.”

That’s a real friend, a person who lets you know, “I see you.”, a person who makes you feel beautiful, a person who encourages your talent, a person who makes sure you don’t feel alone in the world. I am so lucky that I have a beautiful friend like my beautiful friend Kiara. I am so glad I went to Hawaii, I am so glad I listen to the voices in my head or I never would have met her and the beautiful people that surround a beautiful person like her. I am so lucky and I know it. 🌺


Private Dancer

“Let us read, and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world.”

“There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.” 
 Dante Alighieri

#Mahalo #RowFive #SeatEight #OCD #MoriorInvictus #Hawaii #BackToReality

Mahalo Mr. Mathers

Thank you for giving me the strength to come here.

There is no way I would have been this good to myself if you had not inspired me.

Looking forward to seeing you shine tonight! Have the most glorious time ever and never stop shining.

Mahalo forever.

#MoriorInvictus #Kamikaze #Shine

Happy Valentine’s Day From New Zeland

Formerly known as Aotearoa! My amazing tour guide Nikki taught me that.

Hope this video loaded…. technical difficulties…. does the internet work different in Hawaii? 😂🤣😂

…and I hope you have a wonderful day, Sexy Beast. Feel the love all around you. Can you feel it? I can ✨❤️✨

I am getting ready to go horseback riding.

Catch you later ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️

#FlowerPower #MoriorInvictus #Kamikaze #SexyBeast #ValentinesDay #Fiji #Polynesia #Nikki

My Agenda

Today I am the ultimate tourist. Heading out to The Polynesian Cultural Center for deep immersion into the history, dance, music and spiritual magic of the people of Hawaii and Fiji. Have a fantastic day Sexy Beast. Just know how amazing you are with every single breath that you breathe.

Stan loves ya’ Baby 🙌🏼❤️

#Fiji #Hawaii #MoriorInvictus #Kamikaze #Stan